Toddler Sleep and Separation Anxiety
Your baby has been sleeping great, and life is good. Then one night, they woke up crying. You go check to make sure they’re okay. Nothing seems wrong, but they’re inconsolable, so you help them back to sleep. Maybe they fight at bedtime the next night, so you rock or hold them a little longer.
Before you know it, bedtime is a problem, or they’re waking up at 5 am, or you’re popping into their room 2-3 times a night.
You worked hard to establish a bedtime routine; everything was great! If this is ringing a bell, your toddler may be experiencing a regular and frustrating stage of development: separation anxiety.
Why Do Toddlers Develop Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a normal and healthy stage of development. The first round appears at approximately 8-12 months and then hits again during toddlerhood (usually between 18 months and 2 years). It is a sign that your child is forming secure attachments with the most trusted people in their life, which is actually great, so…..yay, you’re a good parent!
At its core, separation anxiety stems from your toddler’s growing awareness of their surroundings and understanding that they are separate from you. While this is an important cognitive milestone, it also means they now recognize that you can leave—and that idea can feel overwhelming, especially during transitions like bedtime.
Key Reasons for Separation Anxiety in Toddlers:
- Developmental Milestones: As toddlers become more aware of the world, their understanding of object permanence (the idea that things and people still exist even when out of sight) strengthens, which can make separation feel more intense.
- Increased Independence: Toddlers often fluctuate between wanting to explore the world independently and needing reassurance from their caregivers.
- Change in Routine or Environment: Events such as moving to a new house, starting daycare, or the arrival of a new sibling can trigger or exacerbate separation anxiety.
How Does Separation Anxiety Affect Sleep?
Bedtime can heighten feelings of separation anxiety because sleep requires toddlers to disconnect from you, and as they have no real concept of time, it feels overwhelming. Your child might resist going to bed, struggle with falling asleep, wake up multiple times during the night, or need extra comfort and reassurance at bedtime. This can lead to sleep regressions that leave you and your little one exhausted and frustrated.
Easing Separation Anxiety at Bedtime
- Establish a Consistent Routine
Consistency helps toddlers feel secure. Create a calming bedtime routine with familiar steps—such as a bath, story, and cuddles—to help your child transition day to night. Predictable routines signal your toddler that sleep is coming and all is well.
2. Offer a Comfort Object
Providing your toddler with a comfort object, like a favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can offer reassurance. This familiar item can help bridge the gap when you’re not physically present and give your child something to hold onto during the night.
3. Practice Brief Separations During the Day
Help your toddler practice being apart from you in small, manageable doses. Play hide-and-seek games or leave the room briefly, assuring them that you will always return. Over time, this can build their confidence that separation is temporary, even at night.
4. Create a Calming Sleep Environment
Make sure your child’s sleep space is peaceful and comforting. You can use soft lighting, soothing sounds, or calming bedtime music. If your toddler has difficulty with separation, placing a family photo by their bed can provide added comfort.
5. Give Reassurance, But Set Clear Boundaries
It’s important to be responsive to your toddler’s needs during separation anxiety while maintaining healthy sleep boundaries. If your child calls for you during the night, offer gentle reassurance, but avoid creating new sleep habits like rocking or holding them until they fall asleep, as these can become sleep dependencies.
Tips for Managing Toddler Sleep Regressions
- Be Patient and Consistent
Regression phases can feel long and frustrating, but they will pass. Stick to your routines, offer comfort when needed, and avoid major changes to your child’s sleep environment. Consistency is key to helping your child through this phase.
- Incorporate Positive Sleep Associations
In addition to a comfort object, help your toddler develop positive associations with sleep by keeping bedtime a calm and enjoyable experience. Avoid stressful or overly stimulating activities close to bedtime.
- Gradual Departure Method
If your toddler struggles with you leaving at bedtime, try the gradual departure method. Start by sitting near their bed and slowly, over several nights, move farther away toward the door until they feel secure falling asleep independently.
- Check for Daytime Stress
Toddler separation anxiety can be amplified by stress during the day. Take note of changes in your child’s environment—like daycare transitions or new caregivers—and offer extra reassurance during these times. Providing opportunities for connection and play can reduce anxiety before sleep.
- Prioritize Quality Sleep
Ensure your toddler gets enough sleep during the day with regular naps and an early bedtime. Over-tiredness can exacerbate separation anxiety and make falling asleep even harder for your child.
When to Seek Additional Help
If separation anxiety and sleep disruptions persist for more than 2-3 weeks, or if your child seems overly anxious or distressed, consider reaching out to a pediatric sleep consultant (like me!) or checking in with your healthcare professional. Sometimes, you just need someone else to weigh in. Being a parent is challenging; you don’t have to do it alone.
